I wish
by NoFear
Summary: A very dark piece I thought of after watching Season 1 again.


I Wish…

Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C. or any of the characters.

Summary: A rather dark piece I just came up with now. It's from the first season, right after Ryan's mom leaves him and he's staring after her.

I remember the first time she left.

She was drunk. I was eight. She had just come from work and was probably in one of the worst moods I'd ever seen her in. I knew what was coming next. She would start screaming at Trey, and then drink some alcohol and start screaming at me.

It was her routine. Trey and I were pretty used to it. After about an hour she would pass out, then wake up and start apologizing.

But there was no screaming that time. She had gone straight upstairs and slammed her door shut. Trey and I were both relieved, but I think deep down we were both scared shitless. At least I knew I was.

When we heard footsteps descending the stairs, we quickly shut off the T.V. and waited for her to come into the room. I guess we kind of hoped she would start screaming at us now and things could go back to normal.

I guess I should've known better. Things have never worked out for me. But like a true idiot I always have hope. I guess it's because that's the only thing I have left.

She gave Trey some cash and said she was leaving for a while. She didn't even look back. She got into her car and left, and I didn't see her again for a month.

That day my world fell apart. My life had always been shit, but without my mom what the hell was I going to do? If Trey hadn't been there, I don't think I could've made it. He wasn't the best brother but he kept us alive. He kept us alive for that entire month. I must've been pathetic in his eyes, crying like a little baby every damn day, but he never made fun of me.

He kept telling me she would come back. I didn't believe him. I thought she had left for good, and that she had no reason to come back to us. That made me angry. So angry I thought I was going to explode.

But she did come back. I hated her, but when she walked through the door all my anger melted away and I ran to her as quick as I could, clinging onto her leg and begging forgiveness. We both cried and she promised me she would never leave me again.

It's funny, in a weird sort of way. You know that saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"?

What do you say after the fourth time?

I had stopped being a crybaby by then. My anger would consume me and I'd take it out on anything or anyone that got in my way. I didn't care about the consequences. I didn't care about anything.

But I always had hope. She kept hurting me, but I always thought this time it would be different. That this time we could work things out and be a real family again.

Nothing ever works out for me. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can start living in the real world.

Nobody wants me. Nobody will ever love me. I'll die alone in some alleyway and nobody will even notice I'm gone. That's reality.

So here I am, waving goodbye, knowing that this time she won't be coming back.

But there's no anger. No sadness. There's absolutely nothing left within me that can feel anymore.

I'm just…empty.

Mrs. Cohen slowly makes her way toward me, and for the first time in my life I wish I had never been born.

Don't get me wrong. I've wished many times that I was dead, but that's totally different. If I died, or just killed myself, it wouldn't change anything. I still would have lived my life. It would be over, but all that shit would always be a part of me. I would die with all the baggage, all the pain, and all the bullshit that summed up my existence.

This is different.

I wish there was never a Ryan Atwood. I wish I never existed. That the universe somehow managed to skip me, and spare me from coming into a world that doesn't want or need me.

I barely register her hand coming to rest on my shoulder, or the fact that she's crying now, but trying very hard to suppress it. She shouldn't have to witness this. She doesn't deserve to witness this.

She tells me she's sorry. What does she have to be sorry about?

She doesn't understand that I'm the problem. I'm the one who screws up everything and can't even get his own mom to keep him. I'm the one who came into her house uninvited and is now the reason for her tears.

I tell her that I'm sorry for wasting her time, and that I should go before Sandy or Seth find out what happened. Not that I don't appreciate what they've done for me, but I can't face Seth and I'd really rather be on my own than go to Child Services.

I realize she's still crying, and I don't understand why. I'm trying to make this easier for her. Sandy will only try to keep me here longer if he finds out what happened. I tell her how Sandy and Seth don't have to know about this, that she can tell them I left with my mom, but her crying only gets worse and now I'm really worried.

Before I have a chance to react, she asks me if I would want to stay with them. To live with them. In their home.

Two things immediately go through my mind when she asks me that.

First. What kind of question is that? It's like asking a starving Ethiopian kid if he wants some Red Lobster for dinner. Ever since coming to Newport, the one thing I have always thought about, no matter how much I tried not to and how guilty I felt about it, was how bad I wanted to be part of their family. I'd cut off my arm if it meant I could be with them. To have her and Sandy as my parents. To have Seth as my brother.

Second. She's only offering because she feels sorry for me. Even if she did want me to be part of her family, I would have to say no. Someone like me doesn't deserve the Cohens. They're a real family. Someone like me would only screw everything up.

I try my best to offer a genuine smile and tell her I'm very thankful for her offer, but I can't stay.

She asks me why.

What does she want from me? Doesn't she understand how hard this is? I have nothing. In fact, once I leave, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I have no money, and I have no place to stay. I'm scared shitless and she's asking me why I won't stay.

I tell her she's done a lot for me, but I can take care of myself, and that I have some friends I can crash with. How ironic that I have to lie in order to prevent myself from getting the one thing I want the most right now.

But she won't give up. She tells me she'd rather I stayed here, with them. She jokes about how she won't cook my meals and I can use the pool house as my own private room.

She could give me a box in their basement and feed me crackers all day if it means being part of her family.

I smile back, and something inside me breaks, making me feel like I'm going to cough out my insides any moment.

I want to say no and just run away, because the longer I stand here the weaker my resolve becomes.

But then she continues on and tells me to give her family a chance, and that if I like it here, I'm welcome to stay. That effectively disables all my motor functions.

I still want to say no, but I can't bring myself to do it. I want a place to sleep tonight, and I want that place to be here. I feel guilty for giving in, but I'm too scared to leave. Too scared to face an uncertain future on the streets. At least this way I can try to get what's left of my life together, and find a way to pay them back before unburdening them of my unwanted company. Unless they kick me out first.

I nod my head and thank her. She smiles and leads me to the house, convinced that Seth needs to hear the good news as soon as possible.

I still don't believe in God or hope or any of that stuff. She might accept me now, but it's only a matter of time before she realizes the mistake she's made. Then I'll be back on the streets, but maybe this time I'll be a bit more prepared.

For a second I think of how nice it would be if this were real. If they really wanted me, and if I had a chance to be part of a real family.

I disregard the thought as quickly as it pops into my head. Nothing has ever worked out for me.

And nothing ever will.


End file.
